The Bottom Row

From: Cynthia
To: New York Office
Subject: NEW coffee blend has arrived 

Good afternoon,    

The Colombia Blend Coffee has arrived and is at the bottom row of the coffee station.    

There’s still a good amount of French Vanilla which you can enjoy and find on top of the white microwave.    

Enjoy the new coffee blend!    

Kind regards, 

Cynthia
Office Manager  

____

Hear ye, hear ye
Attention all employees 
From Colombia it arrives 
Into our bitter lives. 
A new blend in the kitchen 
To stop all your bitchin’. 
Through democratic vote 
A treat for the throat. 
Ignore the burnt taste. 
Quick, make haste. 
Not a penny you’ll spend 
For this new dark blend— 
Think of all you’ll save. 
Coffee atop the microwave 
In aromatic French Vanilla 
Reminds you of the sunny villa 
That you’ve never been to 
Because of how little we pay you.    

Enjoy the new coffee blend!  

Cynthia 
Office Manager

The Face of Habitat

From: Julia
To: James
Subject: a very professional and important urgant email filled with important things

hey,

im just emailing you in this very professional and formal format to let you know that even though haven’t been taking notes or giving any good ideas at the meetings that i am very capable of being secretary. I figured that these summer meetings were just ya know brainstorming! and i haven’t been giving any ideas because i just get nervous in large groups as well as small ones i guess until i get comfortable. and i told some people about my ideas for the club and they were like thats dumb. I thought of an abstract expressionist BBQ and i told ppl and they just laughed at me! sooo yeah im just letting you know that i am a very smart and non bland girl just chock full of ideas which will be expressed in the future. and im very funny! voted most humorous in eigth grade and senior class!

julia

ps: i am also good looking! i dont mean to brag but its true. Im sure we want the face of habitat to be muy calliente no?

pps:
i figured you’ve already seen me naked so there is not reason to be embarrassed anymore. shit i just dig myself deeper!

____

Hey,

Today I write in this formal format
To defend my position as office secretariat.
I’ve not been taking notes, it’s dreadfully true,
Because of my discomfort in groups, I can’t speak on cue.
But when I talk, you all think I’m daft.
My abstract expressionist BBQ? Please don’t laugh!
I’m chock full of ideas, I’m funny and smart,
Most humorous in eighth grade, and that’s quite a start!
And look at my bod, I am muy calliente. 
Should I be writing? I hope this is okay,
I keep digging in deeper, I don’t mean to be crass,
But I’m no longer ashamed, cause you’ve seen my bare ass.

julia

Swine Fru

From: Concerned Mother
To: Independent Daughter
Subject: h1n1

Ivy,

Please get swine fru vaccine.

MOM

____

how are you feering?
babies and harabujis
are dying. get shot.

MOM

defense of poesy

From: Dan
To: Writers of Intentionally Bad Poetry
Subject: From a comment box

i think my annoyance with these bad poetry ventures is that they seem to not be about writing poetry as much as using the idea of poetry as a “high art” or something “elevated” or “classy” as a way to tell a joke. which is strange to me because poetry can have jokes and can be funny without trying to get the humor from intentional “badness.”

i think maybe a lot of this stems from so many people not “understanding” or learning how to read/appreciate poetry.

____

i find it annoying, a genuine blight
this abuse of poesy’s purity and class
to tell bad jokes, and this leaves me aghast
when good poesy can jest and be full of delight.

i wonder if this artform is misunderstood?
are bad poesy’s writers such untrained plebes?
why must they persist, o! how my heart bleeds
for those who don’t write as aesthetes should!

The Awakening

From: A Friend’s (Now) Ex-Boyfriend
To: Friend of the Girl
Subject: (no subject)

For whatever reason I feel compelled to write to you. I just want you to know, because you’re her best friend (and that makes me scared of you haha), that these “overnight” changes are true. I would NOT have made a small push at yet another chance if I wasn’t going to be the man I should have been all along.

I‘ve always felt strongly about her, I just buried it a little bit with stupid thoughts and idiotic ideas like running away to California. No excuses - I take full responsibility. But I‘m not letting those things get in the way of my heart anymore. I know what’s important and I know what I feel.  And I know how she feels.

I wouldn’t have had my little “awakening” if I didn’t.

- Kyle

____

Friend,

To you I write, with intentions unclear,
Other than to shed emotions so true.
But you, the best friend, are the one I fear,
For I know my past has clouded your view.

An epiphany I had, just o’ernight,
Transformed into the man I must be.
Dare I not push, shove, nor put up a fight
‘Lest boyfriend duties I can guarantee.

Out of the rubble of boyish trouble,
I’m awakened! My disease diagnosed!
I ache with passion so incredible
With her I follow, wherever the coast.

Down may you strike e’er the day I should fail.
I cower ‘fore you, waiting to exhale.

- Kyle

Ko Pha Ngan Boom Boom

From: Mr. I’m in love with someone else/Ex-boyfriend
To: Girlfriend
Subject: My vacation

yeah got my head shaved…grade 1 all over, dont look too bad and is growing back fast neway…hehe luv to see u parascending…had a wikkid night last night although me and butty almost got nutted by this dickhead of a spanish geezer for chatting to his ex…Thai women are in ur face constantly and its a bit hard to know whats going on most of the time…split from jon yesterday as well and met up with these two 18 yr old manchester lads..who were top…ko pha ngan for the full moon rave this thursday…..boom boom..gonna be best thing ever…
neway best let u go to find urself a nice summer job  
laters….
Luv gav

____

Yeah got my head shaved by a jumbo jet,
Grade 1, wikkid, it don’t look too bad I bet.

Butty got nutted, the dickhead was a geezer,
Thai women in ur face, chatting up the ex, Bacardi Breezers.

Who knows what’s going on but we met some top lads,
Who needs sleep when your life’s this rad?

Full moon rave, good luck with your job endeavor,
Boom boom boom, I’m having the best time eva.

Rage of the Polymorphies

From: A Job Candidate
To: A Recruiter
Subject: Rejection 

The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe they just didn’t understand my answers?? They asked some very basic questions, but hey, I totally understand, not arguing with their decision, just saying…. Look, if they think I need to be more “artistic” I would like to show them how to kiss my goddamned ass…because that is motherfucking insulting. I will code those fucking pricks under the table, and I will design and animate them under the table, too, in 3D or 2D. No, I’m not educated in programming, but if you think for one second that I can’t code, you need to think again.

If you would like me to demonstrate in some fashion that I can indeed teach those amateur hour wannabes how to write real programs with math and such rather than wacking off to the definition of polymorphism of data types, please by all means make such a request if it will help you better understand how to place me in a company that knows what the fuck it is doing.

Thank you again, and I look forward to hearing from you.  

-Shawn  

____

Dear Sir, 

It is with great dismay I write today
To question why this job I could not land.
My answers truthfully were A-Okay.
Perhaps they thought that I was far too bland. 

And jobless now, I take another blow. 
Don’t fear for me or on my ‘half appeal.
But tell them, ‘stead, to kiss my fat asshole.
I’ll code those pricks beneath my black bootheel. 

In D of 3 or 2 I can animate
And program with exacting precision.
To math and reason I entrust my fate
And not to datatype polymorph’sm. 

To you I ask the fuck was on your mind
To place me with people unlike my kind?  

Thank you again and I look forward to hearing from you,

-Shawn

The Unacceptable

From: An Angry PR Person 
To: A Nosy Reporter 
Subject: Request for interview    

I am going to elevate this within [your company].  This is an unacceptable request.  Stay tuned for more push-back.

____    

A pox on your house and on your request 
Before we had a pleasant entente 
You’ve ruined it by disturbing my rest. 
And so I vow your manager to haunt 
Til through him my wrath shall fall upon you 
So shut up shut up and get a clue.  

Mah Awesome

From: A Boyfriend
To: Mass Chain
Subject: Re: Tubing & Brewery AUGUST 21 - $60!!!

I want you all to take note of how mah awesome Terry is. Organising stuff, buying tickets, getting discounts, this woman can do it all!! :D

____

Terry is Awesome, Capital A
And saying it to 15 people, that’s totally OK.
Terry is Awesome, always organizing stuff
And she’s always the best when she shows up in the buff.
Terry is Awesome, she gets discounts.
And I’m always saddened when she dismounts
My cock :D